Writing Journal #23

Who’s your favorite Disney princess? If you say anyone other than Joanna from Rescuers Down Under, we need to talk further. Always herself, obsessed to the point of trouble, accidentally helpful, and a lizard. What else do you need for a role model as a child?

I’m a bit sleep deprived. I finished my content rewrites last night and then stayed up reading until about nine this morning. I slept for about two hours before an appointment and now I’m getting ready to start typing up the second half of the book I left so kindly for myself to do. Every time, you know? Every time I say “oh, I won’t leave the whole book for me to type this time.”

And yet, here we are. Currently, the book sits at 45k something. I basically rewrote the entire second half of the book, which I had a feeling I would do since I changed a bit of a setting. “A bit” like I didn’t change the entire heckin’ biome.

I’m reading, as well. And on Monday (tomorrow, me. wait no. today is saturday) I’m going to start beta reading for someone. Take a break and let Lazarus sit for a bit while I focus on something other than Frankie and her sadness.

The sun is out today, and my car was hot when I got into it after my appointment. This is my least favorite season. I like the nostalgia of summer, but the heat makes me want to peel my skin off layer by layer. I’m not a kind person when I’m sweaty and uncomfy.

What was I talking about? Oh, right. I’m going to get typing now. My dad has a play this evening that I’m going to, and then I’m going to do a big ol’ fuck you clean to my depression shrine that’s been existing for a while.

I’m ashamed of it, but it’s hard to keep up with the sad when all you want is a bagel and you don’t have any clean plates because you don’t buy paper for the environment. I did get paper towels for my most recent tattoo (so I wouldn’t get my plasma goo on the towels, even though that’s what they’re for) for sanitation purposes, so I’ve been using them as temporary plates.

Are we temporary? I guess so. We like to think there’s a bit of infinity within our carbon, but sometimes the infinite and finiteness dance too darkly, and we forget that dust is what we are.

Mmmmm, we’ve hit the sleepy rambles. Maybe I shouldn’t type up today. Hah, nah. I don’t want to be responsible yet. So, chapter fifteen here I come, baby!

Until next time, friends. May your plates be clean and your socks be dry. Watch out for them there puddles, babes. Pretend I winked here. I can’t actually wink in real life unless I think reeeeeally hard about it. So I guess I just blinked at you.

….fuckin’ hell

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles

Some of the reviews I read about this book chastised the author for giving the main character a “good life” after the horrors of the Great Wars. Count Alexander Rostov wrote an incendiary poem, and therefore becomes a Former Person in Moscow. He’s placed under house arrest at the Metropol hotel, where if he steps one foot outside, he’s going to be shot. I’m not saying he has it worse than those who suffered the atrocities of occupied territories, or those who went through the horrors of the Holocaust. There are several instances where I find him a bit too aloof for the realities around him, what his fellow Russians are going through in the direct aftermath of the war. I do think, however, that as one who is forced to spend the rest of his life in one place, he is doing his best with what he has available to him.

Alexander strikes up an unlikely friendship with a nine-year-old Nina when he’s in his early thirties. Her family visits Moscow and they explore the hotel, getting in near misses with the staff as they’re sneaking where they shouldn’t be. When it’s announced Nina is going away for good, she bequeaths him her master passkey, a gift of immense responsibility that Alexander takes very seriously.

Over the next decade or so, we get to see how Alexander spends his time, and eventually he begins work as the headwaiter in one of the hotel’s restaurants. This allows him to form friendships with the chef and maitre d’ and bartender of the respective restaurants. He has an affair with an actress, becomes annoyed with the various hotel managers, and life persists.

Count Rostov is not one to give in to the grief of his losses. He seems to find such a thing preposterous and whimsical, and that is not the kind of whimsy he believes in. He receives visitors over the course of his confinement, and forges alliances as one does in hotels when one is a guest for a lengthy period of time. I found myself wondering, though, if he was lying to himself about the weight of this confinement. While it wasn’t solitary, he couldn’t actually cross the square to the theater, or witness the ballet dancers on their stage, only hear about their performances whenever they visited the bar of his prison. A lavish prison, but prison nonetheless.

What I found the most compelling about Rostov is how beautifully he clocked a person when he first met them. One of his acquaintances is a colonel who comes to visit him monthly for a time, and he receives a Western culture education. At their first meeting, Rostov tells him exactly where he is from simply from the wine he chose to start with, and when the colonel asks “because he’s a hayseed?” Rostov responds with “Because he misses home.”

This was the first moment of the book that made me do a little “oh!” and cover my mouth to hold in my despair at how lonely he must have truly been. I wish I could go on forever about the way this book made me feel, but I’ll parse it down to this: we never know the impact we have on anyone, and most of the time we will never find out. The smallest acts of kindness, of restoring order after a crisis, we’ll never fully understand the effect they have on those watching us silently. We don’t know how others see us, and sometimes we don’t know we’ve been seen. That is the core of this book. Alexander spends so much time seeing others, he doesn’t even consider the fact he might be seen just as well, and just as purposefully.

And that is where I will leave this review. Not so much a review as a summary, but I gave this four out of five stars on Goodreads (five out of five on my bingo board because I got a bit carried away filling in the stars, but that’s not for me to discuss past this moment).

Until next time, friends. I hope the sun is shining for you, and you see the way the breeze moves the leaves.

Writing Journal #22

I’ve been rewriting most of the second half of Lazarus, and while that sounds like a lot, it is. I’ve discovered things about characters that didn’t exist before, and now I have deeper appreciation for all the things that happen. I’ve noticed a difference in my writing since asking myself why I use the words “when” or “as” so much. I’ve also changed my approach significantly by adjusting my use of eyes, breath, and something else I can’t remember off the top of my head.

I’ve not done much on the language creation aspect this last week, but I’ve got a board game now? Tacat, and the board is a combo of chess and scrabble in terms of design. Colorful glass mixed with black and white squares, but they’re not in the checkerboard pattern. Randomly placed and no boards are alike. The game is strategy based and Frankie turns out to be really good at it.

To be real honest, I’ve not felt like being much of anything the last few days. I’ve found myself staring into space a lot and playing a game on my phone to keep myself distracted long enough to get to wherever it is I think I need to be.

There’s this image that keeps playing over in my head and I don’t know the significance, but it’s something I’m stuck on. Whenever I hold my nephew, he’ll grab my thumb with his whole little baby hand, and he’ll hold onto it as we move around. I’ll have him on my hip and we’ll be exploring the world around us, and he’s got his emotional support thumb like a little rudder, telling me what he wants to see and where he wants to go. I don’t really think it’s that deep, babies like to hold things. But it keeps singing through my mind and I want to tell him he’ll always have my thumb to hold should he need it.

I’m not at my best. I don’t like the way it feels empty in my entire body. Like I’ve been shucked from my skin and the hollowness is moving around while I stay behind. It’s uncomfortable in a way I’ve not experienced before, and I dislike it intensely. This used to be something I sought after. Something I fought to hold onto, the comfort of brain numbness when the whatever got to be too dark. Now, I want it to go away, and it’s lingering and I feel like a lost little kid.

Apply it to my writing, maybe? I don’t know what I’d write with this. Maybe Frankie’s depression. Reach into the heap of my own sadness and allow it to be shown through her. Give her the words I can’t find for myself.

Sorry this isn’t a pleasant entry. I appreciate you taking the time anyway.

Until next time, friends.