Salisbury.Fake Uncategorized

President, Beartooth, Bad Omens – Detroit 2/28

I, as you may know, am a fan of the screams. The music kind. I’ve spoken multiple times about my love for Sleep Token, and there are several other bands I enjoy just screamin’ in my earballs every now and then. I had the opportunity to go to a concert with two of my favorite concert buddies over the weekend, and I got to hear some of the best screamies I’ve ever experienced live.

I got to see Bad Omens live at Louder Than Life last year, something I won’t be repeating (the festival part), and that was kind of my first exposure to the band. To be completely real and rude, I didn’t like their song “Death of Peace of Mind” when I first heard it on a random Spotify Sunday. And then I heard Noah sing everything live and I understood exactly why he is so beloved. The man has range and I am here for it. Not only that, but the drummer for Bad Omens is insanely talented. II from Sleep Token gets a lot of accolades–well deserved, of course–but buddy boy Nick is also amazing. The whole band looks like they’re having fun, and that is always something I will love.

The show started with President. I’d heard two songs by them before we went to this show and I was less than impressed. Not a problem, really, I don’t need to love everything. But live? Holy balls, they were somethin’ real nice. I felt the lead singer was trying too much to be cinematic at times with his poses in the lighting, but as one of my friends pointed out, there’s only so much one can do on a stage sometimes. Which is fair. I don’t hold that against their performance because overall, I really liked what I heard. My watch buzzed at me to calm down a few times, because the thumps got me palpitating, haha.

Not the tall man (context below), but someone having a really good time and I liked the visual.

Beartooth is another band I’ve vaguely listened to now and then. I wanted to kind of prepare myself for the show to know some of their songs before we went to see them, but I drifted back to Sleep Token more than I didn’t. This portion of the show became a little uncomfortable for me because of my aversion to crowds. I know, you don’t like crowds, so why go to concerts? Because I like music and I try to do uncomfortable things to show myself I can. Well, at one point during this portion, a very tall man stood in front of me and my friends (he was 7 foot 1 inch, as he claimed) and blocked pretty much everything. He said he was trying to get into a mosh pit, which, fine, okay. I was already hyped up from being in a crowd of a bunch of people.

One moment I was standing with my friends, the next I was shoved really hard away from them. My flight mode kicked in and my whole brain went silent except for “DANGER DANGER DANGER” and I needed to get away. Bless my friends for trying to help me, but I had to leave the spot we were. I pushed my way through the crowd to the side and kind of moved back to the end of the main clump of people. My watch was definitely buzzing.

But! All is not lost, because I was able to see and hear much better from that vantage point.

As I said, I’ve not experienced much of Beartooth’s music, but I am definitely going to add them to some playlists. If I may be cheesy for a moment, I think one of my favorite parts of live shows is getting to hear the roar of a crowd. Except it’s not really a roar. It’s more like TV static from when TVs would go off-station. Just a quick, loud burst of a buzz before it quiets. It’s one of those feelings I can’t quite describe accurately, I think, because it’s like when I’m in the woods. I feel so big and so small at the same time. I’m part of a bigger thing, in a room full of people I’ll never see again (excepting my friends, of course), and we’re all there.

You can see where I moved to be away from the bunch of people for the rest of Beartooth, haha

There was a part of me that felt a little like I’m a loser because I couldn’t handle being in a crush of people. That I’d “abandoned” my friends to go be by myself because my brain doesn’t work right. But I didn’t leave the concert entirely. I moved to where I wouldn’t feel trapped, and I was able to still be part of it. The music still made my watch tell me my heart was too fast. I still ignored that. I’m pretty sure I looked pissed off because I just have one of those faces. My eyes closed against the flashing lights several times, but that added a new layer to the music for me. Sound has always been more important to me than visual, anyway. Between Beartooth and Bad Omens, I went with one of my friends to stand in a merch line. Which is an entirely new experience for me as well. I got shirts that are too big for me, but I have things to remind me I did something uncomfortable, didn’t die, and I enjoyed the music.

Bad Omens is ridiculously good live. When I heard them at Louder Than Life last year, I was blown away by the talent and class of their performance, and it was just as good, if not better at our Detroit concert. Noah said at one point how he was nervous, and he always gets nervous, but for some reason that night he was extra nervous. To which the crowd cheered support. And then he got right back to singing like he wasn’t actually nervous.

Because I am the person I am, that moment made me a little sad. I had the (entirely) original thought that it must get lonely sometimes for big-name musicians or creative people who perform. Like all celebrity worship tends to be about the way the person presents themselves. We are fascinated by who they are, and we learn all their “stats” like we’re going to be their best friends, forgetting sometimes that they exist off stage and they aren’t famous to the people who know them best. They’re just friends. They’re family, they’re people.

Like I said, not an original thought, but it must be so surreal to have tens of thousands of people full of adoration for you, and they don’t really get to know who you are. Not like your parents know you. Not like your best friend does. The ones who sit on the couch with you and play video games, or you bring presents to their kid’s birthday parties. You’re just you, and you don’t need to be the stage persona.

All of that to say, I am really grateful I pushed myself out of my comfortable place to be part of the audience at this concert. It was fun. It was a break from the reality of the world falling to pieces around us. I stood in the cold for about an hour and some change. I passed bracelets I’d made to strangers. Had small conversations with the nice guy behind me and my friends in line waiting to get in. We were cute, we were frozen, but we were happy.

Until next time, friends.

Salisbury.Fake Weekly Update, writing

Writing Journal #19

Hi, hello. I’m running behind and I have to get ready to leave for work in … now. But I wanted to put some thoughts down before I go too far away from them. I’m working on the edits for Lazarus. I keep calling it Lasagna in my head, so that’s fun. I’m also embarking on a more serious dive into the language creation aspect of my series, and I’m really quite excited about it. I have some regret in publishing the prophecy as it appears in Fulcrum, because I’ve had some understandings about the language that can’t be undone, BUT there’s a possibility I can maybe stretch things a bit depending on what words I already have and so on and so forth.

That’s all for right now. Short and sweet, and now I leave you with the idea of a good time.

Until next time, friends!

Salisbury.Fake Uncategorized

Some Thoughts on Dracula (2025)

Two posts in one day, what a time to be a chive, huh?

So yeah, as the title says. I took myself to the movies today, something I very rarely do. I don’t enjoy being around people I don’t know, especially when I’m trying to watch something and I might have feelings. But I wanted to support this film as the story is one of my favorites. Bram Stoker’s delivery aside, I think at its core, Dracula is a love story, and it’s the type I find most beautiful: the yearning.

First of all, whoever made the choice to cast Caleb Landry Jones as the count, give them a raise because my fucking god. I am actually struggling to find words other than just noises of astonishment. Incredible performance. He gave the right amount of camp and the 100% perfect amount of obsessive yearning the role demands. And it looked like he had fun doing it, so that added even more of a level of delight for me. I love it when it looks like someone’s having fun doing a project. There’s a moment (sorry for spoilers, but the story’s been out for decades and decades, so hush) when the count bites Mina, and I swear to the sun and all the planets in the sky, the anguish in his eyes at understanding what he’s just done. The shame, the despair. All of it, right there in his eyes. JUST his eyes because of how it was shot.

Christophe Waltz plays… himself. I don’t mean that badly, but he tends to deliver the same performance in most of what I’ve seen him in. Which for this role? It was perfectly fine. The priest needed a bit of sarcasm and nonchalance in his delivery of the most brutal lines. He’s been part of an order searching for the head of the snake, as it were, for four hundred years. I think they’re allowed a little macabre humor.

I keep getting stuck in my thoughts about Jones’s performance. I want to tell people to go watch it just to see him on screen. Is he this arresting in his other movies? I haven’t seen them, so I can’t compare, but I might need to if this is what he delivers.

Danny Elfman composed the score for this, and there’s the typical Elfman swoops and swings of the strings. Typical sounds rude, but maybe I mean classic. He’s got very distinctive style, and you can always tell when it’s him on the score because he has that kind of waterfall swoop of strings, and there’s a choir in there somewhere singing.

I’m gonna need a moment before I go do other things. What a way to spend a Saturday afternoon, huh? I need this to come out on … DVD? is that what kids use these days? Blu-Ray? I want to own this.

And that’s all I have for now. Thanks for stopping by my even further rambling thoughts.

Until next time, friends. It’ll be longer than a few hours, haha.

Salisbury.Fake Uncategorized, Weekly Update

Writing Journal #18

Salutations and saturations, friends. It’s still cold as balls. I’m slowly editing Lazarus, and that’s about all there is to it. I haven’t really done much in the way of writing yet this year, and while it’s a little weird that I haven’t, I’m oddly okay with it.

I have two big projects I want to get done, publish Lazarus, and then get a first draft of a hard sci-fi story I got inspired to do a little while ago. I have a lot of plans for future projects. Short stories and so on.

It’s February. I just realized how very little I blogged in January. I wasn’t really doing anything. Just working and … probably watching too many episodes of X-Files (Walter Skinner can get it, yo, god damn.) But now I’m on a different shift at work, so my mornings have been freed up quite significantly. I’ll find a balance, but I think I’m going to enjoy very much the time before work to be productive.

I’d always have such ambition to do stuff after work, but I’d get home and want to do nothing. Work all day to go home and do more work? No, thanks. But with the before work hours of free time, I’ve done so many things. I feel unstoppable. Which is probably just the manic part of my depression getting all demonic and cackling as we burn out. But I’m going to view it as a good thing for now.

I chopped up five pounds of onions this morning to put in the freezer for when I want to make a batch of soup. I did the same with some celery and some carrots. I’ve been meal prepping all the things, and it has been incredibly helpful as someone who doesn’t like spending money on fast food stuff. I’m cooking so much more for myself and it is a gosh dang delight. I made red lentil curry that gave me the biggest joy I’ve had in a while when it comes to food.

That’s not writing, but life aids the story. I’m reading the second book from my Bingo Board. I don’t know if I’ve talked about that yet. Last year, I did a bingo board of things I wanted to do in 2025. I did about half of them, which was neato. Didn’t get a full bingo because I set it up strategically so I wouldn’t get one unless I did the fitness things. Clearly, a strategy that didn’t work. So, this year, I went for books. I picked thirty books I want to read and I’m marking them with stars once I finish. I know bingo boards only have 25 spots, but the extra five are “bonus bingo.” Books I have in case there’s one I decide I really don’t want to read. There’s one I’m toying with not finishing, and it’s one I’ve tried to read several times. But that’s me, never wanting to give up on someone or something.

The first one was the previous post on this site, The Sun Also Rises. My goal is to do a book photoshoot after I finish one and then do a book post on here. We’ll see how well I do! I look forward to it all, really. Some of the books are ones I’ve had for a long, long time. I do still want to read them, which is why they exist on my shelves and not in the donate piles.

I think that’s about all the news from this side of the trees. I hope your books are comfy and your words are easy to find. I’ll talk to you soon, probably. I’ll always find something to yap about!

Until next time, friends.

Salisbury.Fake book review

The Sun Also Rises By Ernest Hemingway

This is my first experience with Hemingway, unless I read one of his short stories in college. I have to say, while I’m not enamored, I felt something about this book. Hemingway is either non-descriptive, or too specifically descriptive. He’s dialogue heavy. His characters are allegedly boring, and yet there’s something of the melancholic hopeful throughout this. It’s very easy, to me, to see Hemingway’s mental state in the pages.

From page 42: It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing.

From page 152: Enjoying living was learning to get your money’s worth and knowing when you had it. You could get your money’s worth. The world was a good place to buy in…. Perhaps it wasn’t true, though. Perhaps as you went along, you did learn something. I did not care what it was all about. All I wanted was to know how to live in it.

There are several small moments like that through the whole book. Snippets of a glimpse into someone trying to live the life he thinks he’s supposed to, but not seeing the point of much of it.

I’ve noticed with the classic authors, male in particular, they have a peculiar way of approaching love in their stories. Hemingway’s character Brett (Lady Brett Ashley) is known for her “flighty” ways between men of the story. She has had affairs with just about all of the main circle. He never explicitly says this is a problem, but for the time this book was written, I’m not sure if he was trying to make her out to be as lost as the rest of them, or if he was trying to make a comment on women in general.

Brett is quick to fall in love, and there’s a part of me that wonders if maybe that’s more her way of trying to find a connection that makes her feel “right.” She’s very much a flash in the pan type character, where her whimsy takes flight about as frequently as it lands, and I think she’s a strong character in many ways.

This is the kind of book that I’d write a whole paper over. Not just a review. There are several layers to it, where we can go into why Hemingway was so focused on the bull-fights in the second half of the book, and what he was going for with the descriptions of the fiesta. The motivations of characters like Robert Cohn, who is a very weepy man in love with Brett and despondent he can’t be with her. Or Bill, who hides his pain in his humor. Mike, who drinks to excess because he can’t face his fiancee is unfaithful, but tries to put on a good show for the others about it.

And then there’s Jake. The journalist who’s just trying to find his place in the world, as with all the others. It’s a thought provoking book in many ways, and I think it was a good Hemingway to read. There are several of his technical elements that made me pause, especially where it seems he has descriptions that appear redundant, but maybe that was the way in his time.

Overall, I would say this was a good book to start my Book Bingo Board with, and I give this 7/10 stars.

Until next time, friends.

Salisbury.Fake Uncategorized

Where Did You Go?

Snowflakes float in whirling dances from a gray sky. Dusting the leaves carpeting the back yard. Silence broken by the electric kettle bubbling in the corner of the counter. Boiling water for a cup of tea that I’ll probably let go cold before I remember I made it.

The question sits on my spine. Gentle and heavy all at once. Where did you go?

I stare out the window at my big tree. I call him Charlie Boy. The thought hits me, that he isn’t mine. I wasn’t here when he was first planted. But I’m here now. I worry about him when the winds are too heavy in the summer. Or just the other day when it buffeted my car on the drive home from work. I worried Charlie Boy might not make it. Because the elder things of the universe I inhabit are precious and lift me with life.

I hold out my hand to the person I was four years ago. I ask her to forgive me for getting lost. She wants to know about it. Where I disappeared to. How I found my way back. I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m still a bit aimless.

Are human beings the only sentient things that yearn? Because sometimes I get so tangled in a web of yearning that I forget to breathe. I yearn to dance like the snowflakes. I want to feel the way the wind blows through my branches, like Charlie Boy.

I am finding pieces I set down along the way. Pieces I deemed not necessary for the misery percolating in my pancreas. How can I be sad if I am smiling all the time? How can I be tragic if I am full of kindness?

I want to see where I go, so I’ll keep walking forward. Hand firmly clasped in my past self’s fingers. She got me here, I won’t let her fall behind. I’m grateful to her. For carrying us this far. But it’s time she got some rest.

Salisbury.Fake book review, Weekly Update

Books of the Year 2025 Edition

Hello! Good morning. It’s still morning, I think? Yes. 10:37 a.m. as of this very moment. Hi! Welcome. So, this is my list of books I liked a whole lot this year. One or two of them on this list I’ve already done full posts on so I won’t go too deeply into them, but I’ll still give them the “heyo” on the list they deserve.

And so! In no particular order of importance, I give you my books of the year for 2025.

Solaris by Stanislaw Lem

This book gave me a ton of questions to ponder after I finished reading it. Very heavily themed on how psychology affects science, and whether or not we can find answers without it. Or that’s how I took it. I think I could have taken it a different way than intended, but there’s something one of the characters says that makes me feel like I’m a bit on the right path. Well, a few things said, but one in particular.

“But what’s its name? We have named all the stars and all the planets, even though they might already have had names of their own. What a nerve!”

This small moment really stabbed me right in the brain and it made me think of how we give words to things that may already have words of their own. But do those words exist if they aren’t spoken? See, this is one of those books that sent me on several different thought spirals. I really enjoyed the pondering it gave me. My main question at the end of the book (I actually wrote in pencil at the very end) was, “does compassion exist in science outside the realm of psychology or does it exist to temper curiosity?” I recommend this book if you want to think too much about a planet that doesn’t exist. I gave this book 8/10 stars.

Once There Were Wolves by Charlotte McConaghy

I don’t really have much to say about this one other than I thoroughly enjoyed it. Might be because I read it while camping, so sitting by the fire in one of my blankets and reading in the quiet of an autumn morning. But this book is a fantastic juxtaposition of murder mystery with wolves and their importance to conservation efforts. I really liked that aspect, too. It’s not preachy. It’s a genuine scientific approach to conservation that isn’t just “the trees are the only thing that are keeping us alive!” I liked how the mystery fit into the plot. I didn’t read it as a mystery so much as a book about wolves and there happens to be some murder. It’s also a book about sisters and the loss of a solid familial foundation. I wholeheartedly recommend this one. This book got 8/10 stars.

Atonement by Ian McEwan

This is one I already did a post on, so I won’t blather on too long about it here. This is a beautiful book about being a kid trying to understand what the adults are doing and why they do what they do. I just went on a skim through some sections and reminded myself why I loved the book so much. It’s truly stunning, in my mind. I don’t remember what I gave this, so hang on while I go look at my own self. 9/10 stars

Logos by Nicholas Nikita

Another one I already did a post on, the first book I read this year, actually. And we are at the end of it where I’m still thinking about it. That’s pretty powerful stuff, yo. I don’t own this one, so it isn’t in the photo, but that doesn’t mean it’s less important. It’s an interesting look at the beginning of civilization and how people view and hold power. I gave it 8/10 stars.

Blood of Hercules by Jasmine Mas

Listen. I’m not about to claim this as groundbreaking literature. There are several elements of this that are … disliked, shall we say, by a lot of people. I loved this book. It’s hilarious. You have to have a certain kind of humor for some of the stuff in this book to be funny. I don’t care that there’s modern slang tucked in with a plethora of what we’d assume Greek mythological characters would be like. I legit just enjoyed this book. It’s not for everyone, but it brought me laughter and I will always adore something that makes me laugh. I give this 8/10 stars.

Everything is Tuberculosis by John Green

I’m not overly fond of John Green’s fiction, but his non-fiction? Absolutely my jam. My vibe. My “thanks, give me another.” In this book he discusses the fact that there is still a tuberculosis epidemic when in the USA, we’ve all but eradicated it. It all boils down to what the pharmaceutical companies would describe as “cost-effectiveness.” I recommend this book if you want to have a quick look into the world outside the US at a disease that rampages through other communities. I give this book a 9/10 stars.

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

This book sat on my shelf for over a decade. I returned it to a donate pile, and then I happened upon it again in the wild, and decided to buy it once more just in case I felt like I could read it.

Well, I did. And it broke my heart. But not like… broken broke. It showed the struggle of a white family with a pastor patriarch living in the Congo in 1959. This is a fictionalized version of history, but that history was still happening. The Congo fought for its independence, and that fight trickled into the rural areas, and dangers of many kinds came for the Price family. I don’t have many more words past this is such a harrowing look at how religion can hold onto a person in face of perils, and how family can fracture in the wake of those perils. It has tragedy. It has love. It has tension. I gave this 9/10 stars.

Slonim Woods 9 by Daniel Barban Levin

What a powerful piece of writing, my goodness. This memoir follows the journey of one of the members of the students at Sarah Lawrence who formed a miniature cult under the charisma of Larry Ray. There is a lot of heft in this. Details of mental, physical, and sexual abuse that is often rampant within cults. Not all cults, but most of them. Daniel is a poet, and that shows very beautifully throughout this book. It’s not one I would say read if you’re in a weird mind space because it is so heavy. I’d heard about this whole thing before, but it was when I watched a video essay about the events that led to Larry’s arrest that I found Daniel’s book. I waited a bit to read it, because I knew it was going to be a lot, but I felt like I owed Daniel somehow. I learned about Larry, but I wanted to give more of my attention to his victims. I don’t know if the others in the house/apartment have written anything (something a quick search would reveal, obviously), but it’s a fascinating situation. How one man had so much control over a group of students. I gave this book 8/10 stars

Quicksilver by Callie Hart

Yes, another romantasy book, hush. No, it’s not groundbreaking. But I liked the fact the FMC is an alchemist, and I liked how she had to use her intelligence to solve problems instead of just be an angry Chosen one the whole time. There are things I don’t like about romantasy tropes, and this book does have a few of those, but it’s one I found interesting enough in spite of the tropes to want to read the sequel. I just need it in paperback. I gave this book 7.5/10 stars.

The Witchstone by Henry H. Neff

From my goodreads review: “absolute banger of a book. It’s not a new story, but it’s certainly a fun take on the hero’s journey. Truly enjoyed this read.”

So eloquent. But in all seriousness, this book is truly a fun jaunt into a different kind of take on the hero’s journey. It follows a demon who’s been rather lax in his maintaining of a family’s curse, and chaos ensues when he goes to the surface to get things moving properly along. He forms an unlikely alliance with the eldest child of the family as she attempts to “break” the curse, not knowing the demon wasn’t telling the truth when he said there was a possibility of breaking it. There’s banter, there’s weighty moments, there’s family. Gumption and spirit, pluck and defeat all feature in this book and I recommend it. There are some elements that were not popular with some readers, but that gets into spoiler territory and I don’t want to ruin the mood. I gave this book 8.5/10 stars.

And that’s all I have for today, friends. My plan for next year reading-wise is to do a Book Bingo board, and I’ll be doing a post/photo for each book I finish. So, look forward to that, I guess!

Thank you for reading my posts this year. I think I did better about posting, and I plan to continue that next year. If this year was rough for you, I hope you’re able to see through the rough to find the helpful. You made it through, and you get to keep striving forward. Thank you for being here. Thank you for trying even when you don’t want to. I promise it’s worth it. Might not feel like it ever, but I refuse to believe we’re meant to suffer our whole consciousness.

Until next time, friends. ❤

    Salisbury.Fake Weekly Update, writing

    Writing Journal #17

    I’m not writing! I swear it on the precious.

    I’m just typing up what I wrote last so it’s on official printed out copy. I started a hard sci-fi novel that I’m not sure how I’ll do with writing it because I know nothing about space past the stars are pretty, but maybe if I focus on the plot more so than the setting, it’ll be … not easier to write, but it’ll be more cohesive, I guess. I don’t know the word I want.

    Anyway, yeah. Not writing directly, although I’m excited about next year’s prospects with all the projects. I think I want to get a full draft of this novel, and then I think it’ll be about time to get Lazarus Rising published, and I also might get my short stories collected in such a way I can put them out, too.

    Planning forever, that’s me.

    Short entry this week, as I’m not actively writing. I say like I’m not actively writing. I’ve had some kind of illness for the last week or so and it’s been just a delight. It’s not the vid, all tests said no. I think it’s a pretty hefty chest infection though. Me lungs are gooey, cap’n.

    Cough medicine makes me delirious. Okay, I’m done now. Have a good week, many joys and salutations to you and your words. I hope you’re well.

    Until next time, friends.

    Salisbury.Fake Weekly Update, writing

    Writing Journal #16

    Hi, hello. Hey.

    Cool news! I finished my November Writing Thing literally a few moments ago. My final word count (out of 15k) was 15,041. So, solid success. I think it could be edited into something rather decent and kind to the characters, but for now! I’ve finished with writing for the year.

    Yes, that’s right. I’m not going to write anything else the rest of the year. I’m pinky promising myself because I need to take a break. And it’s only a month. I can do a month, right?

    I’m going to post stuff in December, don’t worry. I’m not abandoning you yet. I’m compiling a list of my favorite books this year and I’ll do a post similar to how I ended last year, with a “this is what I liked the most!” I’d originally thought the list wouldn’t be that long because I thought I didn’t read that many, but joke’s on me, I am almost in the 70s. Again, most of those are romance novels because my brain needs to shut off a lot, but I think I’ve hit my quota of those for the year and the rest of the reading I do will be stuff from my actual REAL LIFE TBR. Shelf books. Stuff I picked up because I thought it was cute.

    So yeah. I accomplished the thing. I hope you’re doing well and I hope your words find you when you least expect them, but not while on the toilet. That’s a bit awkward.

    Until next time, friends! ❤

    Salisbury.Fake Weekly Update, writing

    How Do People Do This?

    I received the author copies of Daisy I ordered, and I opened the box a little too enthusiastically. Holding copies of my books in my hands is such a strange feeling. Strange because I think it might be pride, and I’ve never really allowed myself to feel that before. I did just find a typo in it, but ya know what? I don’t give a fuck. This book I put together entirely by myself, and I’m not perfect.

    When I was first working on Fulcrum, I didn’t have a printer that functioned, so I asked my mother if I could use hers. She agreed, and I printed out around 70 pages of the first “real” draft of Fulcrum I felt was actually going somewhere. I was holding it in my hands, staring down at the words, and I kind of said to myself, “I wrote this.” Then, I smiled and I looked up at her and I said a little louder, “I wrote this!”

    “And I printed it!”

    Instant deflation. I couldn’t have one thing for myself. One of the few times I allowed myself to feel pride, and she ripped it away from me.

    Not anymore, though. I’m trying to give myself the gift of being proud of myself for the things I accomplish, and typos or not, I am proud of Daisy. I know I wrote about how it was a struggle to get this one done, and I’m not trying to say it wasn’t, that the end product is overwriting (hah, get it?) the struggle to get here. But I think I figured out why it was such a challenge for me to finish this one.

    Ellie’s story is deeply personal to me. Author inserts and all, setting that aside, I understood her character in a way I don’t understand the others I love dearly. I’ll never be a chosen one, bound by destiny to save the world like Frankie, but I have been an abused child. I still have this lingering feeling of “don’t tell people, they don’t need to know. Don’t tell them so they know what she’s really like. Let them love her as she wants to be seen.”

    I still love my mom. I love her painfully. It’s painful because I see mothers behaving and being the way I wish mine had. I accept her as she is, I accept that we will never have what I need from her. But no one can ever say I don’t love her.

    Maybe it’s because this is exactly a year after the last big holiday I saw her that I’m feeling really sentimental, and seeing a finished book about a character I actually was is unleashing grief I refuse to feel. Or maybe it’s the insomnia that’s got me by the balls, leaving me overly sensitive to big feelings because of sleep deprivation. I don’t know.

    But what I do know is how very proud of myself I am for telling Ellie’s story, and giving her a place to exist in the world. I don’t ever promote my shit, much to the befuddlement of others, but I’m of the mind that my words will find those they’re meant to. Ellie is probably the truest character to my heart, and I feel kind of like a parent watching her kid go to school on the first day of kindergarten. Out into the world to become herself. Be what she wants to be.

    I’m rambling. I’m tired. It’s a holiday, and I am grateful for you. Thank you for reading my wombles. Thank you for being part of the world at the same time as me, because you make it just as neato as I do.

    Until next time, friends.