Wow, two posts in one week, is it Christmas??
I find myself in this pit of angst.
Or a sort of angst.
Every so often I get this bout of “stronger than normal” depression and I find myself restless to the sky with how empty life can be, even if it’s so full.
Those questionnaires at the doctor’s office all “do you struggle to enjoy things you once enjoyed?”
I struggle so fiercely it hurts and people tell me they’re worried about me, and it makes me think, “Oh, I should get better at hiding this.”
Don’t weigh the world down with your non-emergent saddies, me. You’re not being blown to bits every day, so what can you possibly find to be sad about?
It’s not even sadness, though. That’s what I think throws people when I tell them I’ve been living with major depressive disorder most of my life. “But you’re so funny! You’re always making others feel like they matter!”
I’m fuckin’ hilarious, yes.
Because I don’t want you to see inside me.
I don’t want you to see the ugly tar dripping down the walls of my mind because you would be horrified. The mess manifests on my kitchen counter in weeks of tupperware I can’t wash because then that means something bad might happen.
“It’s my emotional support yogurty jar I could have rinsed out but didn’t because I need to see how awful of a person I am.”
We joke and we laugh about the things breaking us apart, and I want to keep laughing, but I am so tired.
I know there are reasons to stay, and they are keeping me here, but isn’t it all right if I just crumble for a bit? I don’t not love you, I just need to be by myself so I don’t appear weak in front of you. Weakness only I dump on myself as a label because everyone else calls me strong.
Let me sit down.
Let me see the way the sun sets and the moon rises while eating a bag of Doritos stale from having been left open in the pantry too long.
Let me be sad without wanting to fucking fix it because I want to see it in its grotesque formless mass. I want to hold it and see the places I rip myself into shreds. So I can see it coming next time.
I’ll be fine.
Until next time, friends.
salisbury.fake 