Salisbury.Fake Life, Weekly Update

It Isn’t the Same

Once more I found myself uncertain of what I wanted to write about this week, and I still don’t think I have a full grasp on it yet, but we’ll try it out and see how far we go. I’ve been thinking a lot about self-worth and self-image and before you tune me out and say “this ain’t a self-help blog,” I know. And I know I’ve talked about this kind of stuff before on this blog, but I gotta just put my thoughts down here.

It’s an interesting thing nowadays, where we have the socialization on the internet. Complete strangers read what I write and sometimes click a button showing they enjoyed what I had to say. “Back in my day,” I say like I’m wise enough to, we didn’t have the luxury of tucking ourselves behind a digital screen to consider ourselves social. It might be a leap to call social media “socializing,” but I’ve witnessed friends end friendships on Facebook over something someone said, and that’s just as real life as anything else. Sure, it may not be fisticuffs in the parking lot after work or anything, but the way people take certain things seriously online these days is wild to me.

I guess that’s where I question why I do this blog. I appreciate that I have a goal to maintain it and keep it going because it’s very much for me more than it is for anything else. I do appreciate those of you who read this and continue to read it, but I don’t know. I’m not quitting, just pondering the efficacy of such a life. Where validation has become external and internalizing that sounds like a foreign concept.

I’ve always thought I had a deep self hatred–which I do–but it’s not every day that I think I’m garbage. It’s only when something I perceive as significant happens that I tend to spiral into a thought loop of hate and “you’re not worth the effort.” Now, let me clarify by what I mean when I say something I perceive as significant, because there have been times where I’ve felt something pretty powerful about the way I’ve been treated, and the person (or persons) who did the thing to me don’t see it the way I do. A wise friend of mine once told me to make sure I was telling the right story to myself to see if how I was reacting was accurate or if it was what I thought I should be feeling. Because of that, I’ve grown a lot in my perception of how I respond to things.

But what I’m talking about, the significant thing, I mean something like a personal failure. I’ve been trying to get in the habit of regularly walking/jogging with one of my best friends after work (our parking lot allows for such a side quest), and my gut reaction most of the time is “another day,” or “next week will be better.” I posted about the book The Power of Habit on here recently, and one of the things the author brings up as a key force in changing habit is the power of belief in that change. I go into full panic mode when change happens. I don’t do well with it, not even slightly. Even if it’s positive. The reason being is I don’t have the core belief that I am capable of being who I want to be.

Do you know how heartbreaking that is to realize? My niece, who’s 2 1/2 ish years old, adores me and she knows I am so full of love for her. She doesn’t know how little I care about myself. Mainly because that part of me doesn’t exist when I’m around her. She deserves the best the world can give her.

But so do I. I’m not good at this. Where I confront myself and try to see a way around the problem until I can fix it properly. Because it bubbles up and turns into days where my throat hurts because I’ve been holding back tears. Self pity is one thing, but knowing the way you feel about yourself isn’t good is a completely different thing. It gets tricky when you try to change that because if you’re like me, you have almost two decades of practice throwing yourself to the proverbial wolves and hoping you make it out the other side. I know I’ve said this before, but I don’t tell people that mental illness gets better, because it doesn’t really. You find ways to carry it differently, so your neural patterns go a different way when certain things happen. The change bit there is almost subconsciously done because we tend to shy away from discomfort.

I’m not sure if this all makes sense, or even if it flows well. I don’t think I’ve said all I wanted to, but I don’t know how to express that at the moment. This weekend I’m being gentle with myself and telling myself it’s okay to skip mowing the lawn because the bees need the clover. I hope you’re well, and I hope you have a pleasant weekend. You are worthy of good things, and it’s not a problem if you take time for yourself.

Until next time, friends.

Salisbury.Fake Life, Weekly Update

Sunshine and Reminiscing

lemon poppy seed pancakes because spring and sunshine and lemons!

You know what’s really wild to me? Ten years ago, I never would have been able to understand my life as it is now. I graduated college (in December, but still). I also hit the lowest point I’d ever been in my life ten years ago, and events unfolded that will impact me forever.

I don’t really have much to say today other than it’s been almost a year since I signed my mortgage papers and I have no idea how to tell you how blown my mind is by that. Moral of the story, I guess, don’t give up on yourself when times are really rough. It’ll come together someday. It might take ten years. It might take twenty or more. But you owe it to yourself to find out.

Until next time, friends: you are everything you need for your own happiness.

Salisbury.Fake Life, Weekly Update

Sunday Chat #2

I was going to do another How I Write today, but I’m not feeling it. I’m not sure what I’m feeling, to be honest. I wasn’t going to post today, but my goal this year is to post every week, and with the exception of maybe one week, I’ve done that. So today might just be a quick blarp into the universe about how it’s all right to have off days or something.

I try to put positivity into the world because there’s just so much negative nonsense going on, but it’s exhausting at times to be the bubble. I feel like that sounds a bit boo hoo Belinda, but really. I’m not always excited about life. There are more than doldrums that bog my joy down, and while I don’t always feel like talking about it, I think it’s important not to stifle those moments when they come. I tell people to let themselves feel what they feel, and yet when it comes to myself I tend to be really harsh and deny myself the advice I give others. I know this is not new to the world. This behavior is not unique to me.

But there’s a loneliness in it. There’s an emptiness that threatens to turn bitter like the aftertaste of an artificial sweetener. What you think is familiar is actually damaging more than you let yourself think. Wallowing is different than steeping, and I feel as long as I’m wallowing, I’ll be salvageable.

I’m going to go get some work done around the house, and I’m going to remember it’s okay to feel like an oversteamed potato every once in a while. The key to it is to remember to come back. Not to let it take root in your mind and become a gnarled mess you have to untangle later, when it’s worse.

With that said, here’s a photo of some fake flowers I bought myself yesterday because I had rewards points and I wanted to get myself something pretty.

Until next time, friends
Salisbury.Fake Life, Weekly Update

Sunday Morning Chat

I had goals this week of starting another series of posts discussing literary theory, but it’s too early in the day to go full brain on myself. Then I thought I’d do a post about Henry, someone near and dear to my heart, but the post I outlined ended up feeling too personal to put on here (listen, I know I wrote about my biggest fear, but Henry is a different level of personal). So, now I’m eating my breakfast of cold banana pancakes (I don’t have a toaster or a microwave and I’m not feelin’ the need to wash too many dishes today) and enjoying the sunshine coming through my office window.

It’s cold as balls in my house this morning, and the cold pancakes aren’t helping me, but I’m at peace today. I go back to the office tomorrow for work, and while I’m not looking forward to the health hazard, I’m looking forward to seeing the people I’ve missed. We’re already getting emails of “the new normal” and the phrase is exhausting in the sense I don’t want to face yet another new normal. Life is full enough of them. But that’s pessimistic, so I’ll steer myself back to the positive thoughts of seeing some of my favorite people.

I’m looking forward to springtime. The weather app says it’s supposed to be in the 60s this week, and I’m ready to ride with my window down. Feel the bypass wind in my hair as I drive too fast because I forgot I’m at the office now and left my house late. I’m looking forward to starting a garden this spring, and getting my backyard set up for friend times in the summer. I’m going to get my firepit settled, and I’m going to build a second patio (sort of) reusing some stones from the yard. It’s going to be a good season for me and hopefully for you.

I’m going to walk more with one of my best friends after work in the outlet mall parking lot. I’m going to keep eating better and keep losing weight (I’ve lost twenty pounds since I gave up Taco Bell back in December). I’m going to maintain as positive a vibe as I can because the world is full of people having tragedy after tragedy and if I can be a bit of brightness for someone, I’d love to do that.

If you are struggling to feel something other than useless, I want to remind you that you are quite useful, in fact. You have a wealth of knowledge, and you have a lot to offer the world, and plot twist: it has a lot to offer you. It might seem bleak, but the sun’s coming up earlier now, which means you have plenty of time to work for yourself. Hang in there, if it’s getting a bit tough. The good times are coming. I believe it. If you are feeling less than lovely to yourself, that’s okay. Sometimes the clouds get in the way, but the sun is always waiting for you on the other side.

And on that note, I’m going to make some tea and get to work on some writing before I have lunch with my mom. Until next time, friends, remember: you are and always will be enough.

Salisbury.Fake Life, Weekly Update

End-of-the-Year Party

Well, I guess this is going to be one of “those” blog posts. You know the ones. Where the writer waxes poetic about the year gone by, and talks about hopes for the next year. It is going to be one of those, yes, but I’ll try not to bog you down with a lot of “2020 was the worst” stuff. Because even though the pandemic is still ongoing (wear your damn masks and stay home unless you absolutely have to be out), and so many people have had tragedy after tragedy this year, I think this is one of the first years I’ve grown the most into the person I’d like to be.

I had a goal this year of finishing three books I’ve been writing for a little over ten years. I separated out the year into four-month quarters, allowing myself time to get done with each one and have it beta read while I worked on the next one. I didn’t accomplish that goal, but I don’t hate that I didn’t. The person I started out as at the beginning of this year is not who I am now. And that shows in the quality of my writing. I stopped using first person perspective, switched to mostly third limited, and the story just fell out of me.

As I consumed media, I paid attention to the stories being told. Most notably, I watched/listened to a playthrough of Death Stranding, a video game produced by Kojima. I was not prepared for how deeply that story would end up impacting me. But then I decided to look at what made the biggest impression on me, and it was the emotional growth the main character goes through by the time we get to the end. It twists and turns itself around its own story, told in memories mostly, told with tragedy and loss. But at the end, hope remains. I’ve made it sound so cliche, but the relief I felt at the end of the game was profound.

I want to tell a story like that. I want to infuse emotion into my writing so that by the time we reach the end of the story, the audience is relieved and filled with feelings they then get to internalize and see themselves through. I know that’s a lot to task myself with, but I feel fairly confident I can do it. Emotive writing is important, especially in this day and age where emotions are often suppressed for being too intense.

Along with my writing growing, I feel like this year I’ve changed so much about my mindset about myself. I know I’ve talked about my mental health issues, and I will continue to do so because it is an ongoing, lifelong process. The small moments of joy, the reminders it’s okay to be here, the tethers we create to make sure we don’t leave behind what we will miss. Holding on with a white knuckle grip because there has to be something worth it at the end of this, I believe in it. I believe in it with a fierceness I’ve never believed with before.

The power behind that hope, the force of that desire to make it mean something, I wish I could give it to those who struggle. I still have my shitty days. I have them more than I talk about because that’s not what I want to focus on. They’re becoming less frequent, which is fantastic, but I want to hold on to the memory of them so I know how to fight them.

This year was hell for a lot of people. It was horrible and garbage and there’s no amount of gargling that will get the taste of it from the back of our throats, but you are still here. You are still here and you are incredible. You are stunning. I believe in you with the same fierceness I believe there will be good somewhere along the way, and we can pick it up to sling it on our backs to carry us through whatever the world tosses our way. Because we are strong enough to do so. We are capable of battling and making it through, even if that’s all we do is make it through.

I hope this year taught you more about yourself. I hope this year gave you the confidence to accept who you are, and if not, I hope it gave you the boost you needed to make the changes you’ve been wanting to make for yourself.

Next year, there will be book reviews, writing about writing, life talks, recipes. It’s going to be a better year because we will know how to approach it properly with cautious optimism. It’s not over yet, but it will be and we will march forward with a brightness of hope, a determination to conquer anything and everything.

Thank you for going on this ride with me. Thank you for your readership, and for you. I’ll see you next year.

Salisbury.Fake will be updated again after December 31st, 2020.

Happy holidays!.

All my love, Carla

Salisbury.Fake Life, Weekly Update

32

Today I turn 32. It’s such an odd feeling. I’ve not been a fan of my birthday for a very long time, but I’m trying to change that. Every year I visit a state park where I live and spend some time in nature to remind myself the world is bigger than what keeps me up at night. My favorite time of year is fall. I love the colors of the earth, the rain (although it’s not particularly pleasant to hike in), the cool mornings and evenings, the holidays. I love getting to spend time with my family especially around my birthday. They keep me grounded and remind me it’s okay to be here. It’s more than okay.

I’m not sure what all I want to say today. I get to see my niece, which is something I’ve been looking forward to for a while. I get to spend time with my brother, and when she’s done working, my sister-in-law. Their house is one of my favorite places to be. It re-centers me and recharges my social battery, even if we just sit around and watch Goose entertain herself.

I think sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to be more than what we are, and while that sounds a bit . . . harsh? It’s enough to be who you are for the people who matter to you. I don’t know. I feel like I’m being rather vague and somewhat “self-help” book today, but it’s more just trying to figure out where I fit into it all. I really don’t need much to be content, and I think that’s something I’m going to keep striving for, contentment. Happiness is impossible to maintain, but keeping up with contentedness is far more achievable. I’m going to go make some tea, maybe hot chocolate, I don’t know, and then I’m going to get ready to go see the babiest baby who ever babied.

Be kind to yourself. You are worth it.

Salisbury.Fake Life, Weekly Update

Car Calories Don’t Count

That’s the biggest lie I tell myself. Not the cliche “I’m fine” or whatever. I tell myself that all food consumed within the confines of the car doesn’t count toward a daily calorie limit. It’s a lie. Those calories do count. But I still stuff a cheese roll up in my mouth on the way home from Taco Bell all the same believing it won’t exist in my body the moment I leave the car.

Hi, my name is Carla, and welcome to my TED Talk.

Just kidding. This blog entry is gonna be somewhat unclear in terms of how we get to the point, but we’ll get there.

When I was a kid, I never understood the concept of aging, I think. I knew I got older, had that quintessential fight with my parents about how I was 16 and not a child anymore (yes, Ariel, you are, sit down and comb your hair with a fork), turned 21 and saw Riverdance with my mom, got blackout drunk when I was 25, loved, lost, all that happy nonsense we expect along the way as we grow up.

But tonight as I was changing out of my work clothes and into my “I’m a writer” chunky sweater and baggy sweatpants, I had the thought of how it’s so nice to find a pair of socks there when I reach for it in my drawer. This might not be revolutionary to you, but for me it was a small epiphany bomb going off in my head. Because if there’s anything I know about myself it’s how I am when I’m depressed. I’ve mentioned that my depression manifests itself with dirty dishes and unfolded laundry. Well, I’ve got the dishes taken care of, now I’m working on the laundry part, and I think–honestly and truly–I’ve cracked it. I like knowing there’s a pair of socks waiting in the drawer for me to put on after work. It sounds so damn stupid when I say it out loud, but the part of me that’s been trying to be proud of myself is throwing her hands into the air saying, “THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WORKING FOR FOR SO LONG, CALL YOUR THERAPIST AND TELL HER YOU GET IT!”

The happiness we seek is elusive because we want sustained happiness. Why not try for sustained contentment instead? Far more easily achieved.

And just so we’re clear, car calories do actually matter, and I really need to work on my relationship with food. But that’s for another day.

Salisbury.Fake Weekly Update

Veganuary Thoughts

All righty.  So, it’s now February.  If you participated in Veganuary, I hope you feel successful!  If you had some slip ups, that’s okay.  You’re doing great!  I know it’s hard to feel successful after a slip up, believe me.  But the important thing to remember is to keep going.  Persistence creates the habit.

My version of Veganuary inspired me to continue the decision to go plant based through the month of February.  As I participated in this month, I discovered a few things about myself.  I might repeat a few things from previous posts, so please bear with me.

Plant based eating is expensive if you purchase prepackaged, highly processed foods.

This one is kind of a no-brainer.  Prices per ounce on whole food ingredients when they’re fresh, frozen, or canned is significantly cheaper than the overly processed, prepackaged foods.  Not only are they cheaper, you also pay for your sodium intake as a lot of those products up the salt content to make it more “flavorful.”

It’s up to the individual consumer what compromises are to be made because if you’re like me and appreciate convenience, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying these products.

One of my favorite things about purchasing fresh, whole ingredients is being able to take the time and make them taste good with my personal preferences.  I might not like the way a macaroni and “cheese” tastes out of a box, but if I can recreate a facsimile of it with whole ingredients, then I’d much rather do that.

I think going forward, my goal will be to definitely stick to more whole foods as much as I can.  I rediscovered a love of lentils, and my adorable mother (who went a little upset when I told her I wasn’t eating dairy anymore) went through her cookbooks and recipe collections to find me recipes to help out in a way she knew how.

Making mistakes during a goal is not the end of a goal.  It’s the middle of your progress.

Over the course of the month, I did end up eating some dairy products, if by accident or on purpose, but I never once felt bad about it.  It’s incredibly important to keep a positive mindset when trying to change a part of your life, because negativity is so easy to fall back into.

I used to be on Instagram, and I followed a fitness person there, which was a different thing for me as I’m not into fitness at all, but she had a day where she discussed what she ate over the weekend.  She mentioned that she’d gone to a party for a friend’s birthday and made the choice to eat a cupcake.  It was her reaction to eating it that stuck with me, because it wasn’t a positive experience for her.  She took it as a slip up, a poor choice.

I’m not saying there aren’t bad choices, because I don’t need to eat macaroni and cheese all the time, but I do.  I know, what is it with me and macaroni and cheese?  Well, I couldn’t tell you, hah. The point is don’t get caught up on the days you don’t meet your goals.  It’s all in how you react to the situation.

I decided I wasn’t giving up dairy and eggs, but I was choosing not to eat them any more.  The difference in those statements is one is a loss, and the other is exactly what I said, a choice.  Losing makes it harder to accept, choosing is a step forward.  The times I ate dairy — at a friend’s birthday party, as part of my partner’s Taco Bell, or inadvertently in a batch of hash browns at a restaurant — didn’t mean I’d completely failed myself.  It meant I could just keep going the next day toward the goal I set out to achieve.

People will always have their own opinion on what you’re eating.  It’s up to you to ignore it and do what works best for you.

I think the biggest problem I have with veganism is how judgmental some of the community is.  For something that seems so wholesome and inviting for everyone, there’s quite a few people who make little comments to those around them that just doesn’t make it a friendly environment.  It’s an important thing to me to remember that not everyone has the privilege I do to go plant based, whether for family reasons, for religious reasons, or whatever.  It’s not my place to judge someone for how much plastic they use, or how much “insert generic criticism” happens.

We don’t know everyone’s story.  We only know our own.  It’s up to us to make sure we continue to improve the goodness in the world not by aggressively going after those not like us, but by making changes in ourselves first so that maybe others see it and feel inspired.

I don’t know.  I’m not an expert.  This is all just a ramble, really, while I watch Forensic Files on Netflix.  I was going to include a recipe in this blog post, but it’s really long, so I’m going to link to one of my favorite YouTube channels instead.

Pick Up Limes is a channel run by Sadia.  She is an actual dietitian who happens to be plant based, and her channel is incredible.  The amount of work she puts into her videos is impressive.  She gives reasons for why foods work the way they do, and she provides recipes and printable pdf sheets on her blog to help you on your food journey.  I love her professionalism and her ability to make learning about food interesting.

I hope you’re well, and I wish you well on your food way.

Salisbury.Fake food, Weekly Update

Daiya Pepperoni Pizza Review

I love pizza.  It’s one of my favorite foods.  The first being macaroni and cheese.  Macaroni and cheese is very easy to replicate as a plant based food.  Pizza, however, is a little trickier.  So far, I’ve made my own vegan style pizza (pizza dough recipe here).  While Daiya is the most familiar brand of vegan cheese out there, it does have a distinct flavor, so I can always taste when it’s used.

Obviously, a Daiya pepperoni pizza is going to have the distinct taste of Daiya. (Do you say day-ah? or dye-ah?)  I have tried a few vegan pepperonis, and the attempt by Daiya is the closest to what I remember pepperoni tasting like.  That said, this pizza is better fresh baked from the oven.

img_20190110_130555

The crust on this is disappointing.  I don’t like a majority of the gluten free options available because they often have little to no flavor.  This is no different, unfortunately.  The cheese never really melts either, it just kind of goops.  Which isn’t bad, just a little off putting.

This pizza does not warm up well if you don’t eat the whole thing.  The crust turns soft and the toppings become kind of mush.  All in all, I am not a fan of this pizza.  But I’m not against trying other kinds of the Daiya brand pizza.  Maybe this one wasn’t the best because I expected familiarity with the pepperoni, and there are some meats you just can’t fake.  Lucky for me, Target stocks this pizza regularly in their frozen section for a lot cheaper than other places.

I give this pizza a 6/10.

A small update on my progress.  I hit the ground running last week and only had one bite of cheese at a party for a friend.  I had a KFC biscuit last night, but it was drier than I remember them tasting, so I didn’t eat any more.  I haven’t had any sugar past what is in fruit, and some of my already purchased stuff.  I don’t actually have that much in the way of processed sugar, which is interesting.  I did take my Christmas candy to work, which hurt my heart a bit.  Chocolate is a comforting food for me.  But I’ve noticed a huge difference in my cravings.  I did have the one bite of cheese, but I didn’t want more.  It was a new feeling when normally I’d go wild and eat a whole block of cheese without hesitation.

My food has been mostly whole food, plant based, as much as I can get it.  I did finish off a package of vegetarian friendly sausage, and a package of Gardein chicken strips, both of which I don’t think I’ll purchase again.  But I’ve eaten a lot of rice, and broccoli and cauliflower.  It’s a challenge to find stuff I like to eat because I’m not a fan of vegetables.

One of the things I’ve been telling myself is to eat what I know I like.  I made a tray of roasted vegetables with broccoli and cauliflower, and I tossed in some brussel sprouts.  Turns out, I really don’t like brussel sprouts.  But I do like peas, carrots, corn, green beans.  It’s not difficult to eat foods I like, so I decided to make it a goal to eat more of the vegetables I do like in order to train myself into eating better.  I don’t like salad, and I don’t like weird textures vegetables can sometimes get when they’re roasted or cooked.

So my advice is to eat what you know you like when it comes to “healthy” food.  If you eat more of it, eventually you’ll come to crave it.