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Today is my birthday.  I love having an autumn birthday because I get to see the world at its finest, getting dressed for winter.  As a present to myself, I usually like to go hiking in one of the state parks here in Indiana where I live, but this year I decided to do something different.  I went camping by myself.  I arrived in the park on Wednesday, the 24th, and left on Saturday, the 27th.  Wednesday and Thursday were positively lovely.  I spent most of the night I arrived setting up my camp and getting my dinner sorted.  I made a tinfoil dinner, I dropped right on the embers of my fire.  I had roasted potatoes, carrots, broccoli, and some seitan sausage I made the night before.  I also added in some salt and pepper, and a seasoning blend of nutritional yeast, onion and garlic powder, and smoked paprika.  It was quite delicious.

I usually like to go on these excursions with my brother and sister, but this time I felt the need to go by myself.  There is something incredibly freeing in wandering by yourself in nature.  It’s almost a spiritual act, but more for me it’s deeply centering.  It brings me back to a place in myself I very rarely can find.  I don’t work in a particularly straining job physically, but mentally it can be very debilitating at times.  I’ve dealt with mental illness most of my life, so having added stress can make me feel kind of hollow and like I’m floating through my interactions with people I care about, as well as not giving my best effort at a job I’m really quite good at.

What I liked most about Clifty Falls was the depth of the canyons, and the sound of the wind in the trees.  Obviously, the canyons here are not nearly as enormous as say, the Grand Canyon, but living in a mostly flat, cornfield-filled state is sort of discouraging.  So, it was nice to be reminded that there are beautiful parts of my state.  I think it’s important to find those beautiful things about where you live.  My hometown is not exactly good for natural beauty, but there are some elements in it that are rather stunning.  Sunsets can be quite remarkable during certain parts of the year.

Clifty Falls is certainly beautiful.  I will say I prefer Turkey Run State Park, but I don’t regret going where I did.  I went hiking on Thursday, and I was not disappointed.  Well, I was about one thing, but I’ll go into that later.  It was challenging.  There was a moment where I had to stop to catch my breath–something more to do with how out of shape I am than anything–and I found myself staring out at an impressive vista of color, rock, and trees.  The sun was peeking through the clouds at just the right moment, and I felt peace for the first time in almost a year.

One of the reasons I wanted to go by myself was so I could do a lot of thinking.  Most of it pertained to the death of my friend, Henry.  Henry died last September, and so it’d been about a year or so since he’d gone, and I hadn’t really confronted my grief about it.  It’s hard to explain how much he meant to me, because even though I didn’t ever really meet him, we wrote each other letters and spoke daily for almost ten years.  His loss is something I can’t think about for too long because it still devastates me a year later.  I know that grief is something that everyone deals with in their own way and own time, but this feels like too much for me sometimes.

Being in the fresh air certainly helped me as I approached my grief.  I often thought about writing to Henry, especially when the moon was out Wednesday night.  He was very fond of the moon, and his nickname on forums was Moon.  I have a tattoo with a quote from one of his favorite books, Desolation Angels by Kerouac, on my left arm.  “The moon is a piece of me.”  In this way, I felt I was able to keep part of Henry with me at all times.  I didn’t end up writing anything, mostly because I was too busy trying to start fires in incredibly windy campgrounds.

I didn’t end up eating much on Friday, as it rained all day and my plan for oatmeal and a fire cooked pizza didn’t end up happening.  Next time, if I go camping, I’ll bring more ready to eat foods.  Not only was it raining, it was windy.  I remembered to pack extra socks, but I completely forgot my peanut butter.  Starting a fire was impossible on Friday, so I ate my last premade pb&j sandwich I’d brought for hiking, some granola bars, and then for dinner, I had some bread and butter because I didn’t have much else.  Frustrated by the day of rain, I went to bed and tried to sleep.  By this time, more people had arrived to the campground, so it was much noisier than the past two nights.  It made sense, as it was one of the last good camping weekends.  However, when I woke up, I heard more rain on the rain fly of my tent and decided to just pack up and go.

I was, of course, disappointed with not being able to finish out my trip on a high note, but what I got out of this was beyond worth it.  I saw a beaver on my trek through the trees, almost slipped into a ravine–which is why I don’t recommend hiking by yourself–and I spoke to strangers along the pathways like one does in the middle of nowhere where no one knows your name.  I took several rolls of film photographs, and I fell in love again with a small part of myself that enjoys the little things in life.  That was a success for me.  The bitter part of me got slightly miffed at the small boys yelling at the top of their lungs as they explored, but I reminded myself that children should be allowed to enjoy themselves without the censure of adults.  Within reason, of course.

All in all, I say this trip was incredibly wonderful.  I hope to post some recipes soon.  I’ll try to be more diligent about food talks and fitness talks.  I threw in a little for this post so it wouldn’t be completely irrelevant, hah.

I hope you are well.  If you are struggling, please know that I believe in you to accomplish what you need to do today.