This post will contains personal feelings things so if you aren’t interested, please skip. I hope you are doing okay.
Spending too much time in my head is not always a bad thing, but usually it tends to get me into thought spider webs. I know that what I have is rare, a self-awareness to know exactly what I’m feeling and how to express it. Not everyone has this, which is fine, but it makes it challenging to present my real self to others because I get seen as emotional or moody, when all I am is trying to be honest. I hide so much of myself because I don’t want to be seen as “unstable.”
It’s less about stability and more about accepting the parts of myself I know are the truth. I am probably going to feel things on a different level than most of my friends, my family, and the potential partners I might have. I’ve said I’m okay with being alone, and mostly I am, but the reason I’m okay with being alone is I don’t want to feel like I have to constantly hide my feelings.
What I will say is I feel like I learned at such an intense level I should hide myself. I should keep myself tucked away because no one wants to see that. No one wants to be around that. No one knows how to handle such vivid and clear emotion. Anyone I do end up with “has their work cut out for them,” as I’ve been told a few times.
I’m not a lot to handle. I can be eager to express myself, which may come off as too much, but it goes back to my desire to be honest, and to be authentic. I hate saying that because it sounds so trite, but when you spend so long trying to be “normal,” or trying not to be “high maintenance,” you get kind of tired of it.
I don’t need to be maintained, I need to be understood.
And yes, sure, the “right person” will be able to, but it still sucks to put hope into something that ends up failing. Obviously, being vulnerable is awful. No one wants to do anything that will make them feel inferior or like what they feel is unworthy of mention.
But how are you going to know you’re worth something to yourself if you don’t at least try to prove yourself wrong?
salisbury.fake 